tales

Hearing about my fish dying made me more upset than I ever thought such a thing could. For a year and nine months I always had company in my quiet dark room. I had someone to take care of, someone who jumped at the site of me (or anyone holding his little bottle of pellets). Someone, yes. Not something. He was the nicest little fish. My sister told me his color was drained-- his deep blue gone.

Brynn reminded me that he had lived a long life for a fish, and it comforted me to know he was so content for so long. Swimming around on top of my dresser.

The only trouble now is that I have to write a six page paper and finish reading a novel and every time I finish a chapter I pick my head up and dwell on this (amongst other things). I'm tired of having weight on my chest; having to take deep breaths in an attempt to feel more at ease. I'm tired of watching the minutes pass and realizing that I waste so much time thinking of absurdities.

I'm so afraid of you. I'm so thankful for you. I'm so frustrated with you. I'm so intrigued by you. Home is littered with ghosts but at least ghosts might ward off loneliness. Why don't I ever learn my lesson?

its time to be a better person. its time to realize that i can have a greater purpose that doesn't revolve around the success of a career or the strength of my hobbies.

i hope i am strong enough to stick with this. because i really do think it will transform me into the human that i so long to be.

thank you LoveSprout.

How people have made such close friendships over the course of two months.

How they fill up their days to the fullest and fight sleep just to fit more hours into their schedule.

How she looks so content as she eats alone, perhaps knowing that she will meet a familiar face after her meal.

How they walk with their heads held high and seek knowledge and purpose so fervently.

How people successfully and happily live through week after week without an excess of attention.

How they sound so sure of themselves even if others try to convince them they are mistaken.

How every dark cloud in our atmosphere and black spot on our humanity doesn't bring everyone to tears.

I do know that humans can be frail creatures, but also creatures of a great resiliency.

But how do you do it? Or you, or you, or even you?

Please tell me.
Please.
Anyone.

it was lovely to see my Bats this weekend. ill always feel close, to both of them. oh oh and i miss Presley already. and the smell of the air in that house.

let's hang a swing during winter break? just for old time's sake.

soooo. it is one in the morning and i am finding anything to do on the computer besides my university experience (aka bullshit credit) project. i can't concentrate at all. one because i don't even want to waste one thought on this stupid stupid stupid powerpoint. and two because i am going back home this coming thursday and i am more than happy about it. blah. i miss my mama and papa like crazy. i really didn't think being away from them would bother me. but i cant help but turn into a twelve year old crying for her parents at sleep away camp when my dad sends me random "i miss u" texts. or when my mom tries to facebook chat with me (oh technology)...ah, not that i was ever neglected, but its amazing to know that they care about my college experience just as they did for matt, britt, and bri.

and yeah, i can't leave out the fact that i'll be able to see anthony and brynna and logan. i need their hugs and their love closer to me. so as much as pines sucks, im very excited to have a visit.

ohhh and i will also be picking up my poodle/yorkie mix puppy (who i named Ponyo) from anthony's mama while im down. i have had to wait too long for her!

so thursday can't come soon enough. and i wish tuesday was already over so this project i have minimized will have been turned in and graded.

blah.
write me a letter.

thank goodness for iChat

my roommate is the cutest Ecuadorian.

i miss brynna.

i miss it already.

pretty pathetic that this jumper is all i have been looking forward to lately.

I'm fuckin' scared out of my mind...

"So are you excited about college?"

"Oh yeah, it'll be fun"


I've said that probably two trillion times by now and i still haven't convinced myself.

Five more days...

i am a wuss though.

please don't make me beg. it makes me think im not worth your time, or worth your affection. but i think there is something else, something keeping you from letting go. tell me now. tell me before its too late. crying in front of you shouldn't be the only thing that grabs your attention. i have kissed enough lips and given up so much emotion to enough people. i thought i was done with that.


but maybe you aren't.

i have tried escaping so many times but nothing seems to work.

being disappointed in yourself is the worst.
for me at least.
im sure it happens to many people, many times a day or week or month (depending on how critical the person is of themselves)...
but it really ruins me.

i was too lazy to be involved in my college affairs.
my friends are meeting roommates and chatting on facebook, while i still haven't been assigned a room. i signed up for the last orientation, I'm listed as a non-florida resident...i am a fucking stupid piece of poop.

i have been pushing away the realization that in august im leaving brynna, francesca, manny, and anthony. im leaving my big sister, im leaving my room. i know this applies to everyone leaving for college. but i wish i could be excited like everyone else. i wish i could take an interest in my future instead of concentrating on the clock that is ticking on top of my heart.

i don't know if im strong enough for this. if im comfortable enough with myself to live with strangers. if im talented enough to be the writer i want to be. if im disciplined enough to live without my nagging mother. if my love is strong enough to last even for the fall semester. if im worth the help ive been given.

everyone seems to be growing up beautifully.
but im not sure if i can give it a shot.

sooooooo.
gotta write my column. drink red bull, write column, pass out.
wake up, shower, lurk, learn, bullshit, movie time.
then, the weekend will be stressful. gotta make a birthday card, make a newspaper, read a book, write an essay.
YIKES!

wtf bails.
dskjfhkdjhfkdjhf ha

i hate it here in my head. i hate it here in my head.
i hate it.
i haven't said hate in so long.
not really meaning it.
i hate it.

so many beautiful people around me. thank you. and you. and you.

brynna baby, we're flying away. you and me.
we need a darn converter though!

This weekend has been interesting.
Some people have so many faces, its hard to keep track of all their masks.
Others have kept the same face since second grade, and that consistency might be a curse as well as a blessing.

It was the three of us in that car again.
The scent of the past that never wavered with fluctuations or situations.
I felt that sense of belonging you only get when surrounded by the gems you've acquired.
If I am greedy with one thing it is comfort. It is company.

The sun shined through those windows and I prayed that the warmth never leave me.
The night reveals too much.

She is so beautiful. So beautiful.
He is so complicated. But I'm happily lost in the maze.

Come with me in my pocket. The two of you.
Let's get lost on the boardwalk and let the wind take us away. Let's fall silent when French music graces our ears. Let's raid every 711 in the country and document our every adventure.

I'll never make a pyramid with anyone else.
Don't forget about me.

when i say i am a complete failure.
i mean it.
i haven't applied to the school i want to attend.
i don't keep up with people that once meant so much to me (sorry logan, roshan, charde...)
i don't contribute anything to The Raptor anymore because im a lazy asshole.
i haven't started my new Relay Team even though I'm so excited for it and I want it so badly.
i haven't finished a piece of art work since november.
i haven't sent my brother anymore writing although we were supposed to be exchanging often.
i haven't bought my dad the christmas present I promised him and it breaks my heart because he didn't open anything that morning.
i dont't stand up for myself or what i want.
i give away my hours at work even though i need the money.
worst of all i have had my head so far up my ass that i haven't been there for my best friend when she really needed me.

looking at who i have become makes me so sick.
i am selfish, procrastinating, self loathing, immature, shit head.

i really am.
brynna, im so sorry.
i've lost me.
and maybe you in the process.
please forgive me.

im a complete failure.

DON'T YOU EVER SPEAK FOR SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW